Dear Amy: “Bruce” and I became friends at a yoga class about 10 years ago. We met for class and then had dinner. About a year after we became friends, he moved away and I lost touch with him.
Just before the pandemic, Bruce visited the city where I lived and checked me out.
We had dinner and he told me that he didn’t have any close friends (his previous friends had ghosted him) and that he was contemplating suicide.
I told him that he could contact me anytime and that he was welcome to visit. I also told him to ask for help.
He took me up on the offer and we started visiting every few months (including Christmas and his birthday), staying a few days each time. We didn’t talk much. To be honest I hated visiting because Bruce was a loud and demanding person, but he felt responsible.
He also complained incessantly about his family and co-workers. It seemed like he complained to them about me too.
Now I’m back in the city where Bruce still lives. He has made more friends, is closer to his family, has a girlfriend, and seems to be doing well.
But when I see him now, he still complains incessantly about everyone in his life, reporting every little slight or failure – and I just nod and listen.
How can I end this friendship?
I’m wondering if it would be kinder to just pull away (I want to see him but I’m busy) than to tell him the reason.
downward friends
Dear Downward: You seem to have been a very caring and patient friend to “Bruce” when he needed you, or seemed to need you.
It seems like you never set boundaries in your relationship with him.
You took his mentions of depression and possible suicide as a cry for help, and you did your best to help him get through the dark times in his life.
However, you have not reported that you are a clinician or mental health professional. This is a huge burden on my friend.
Although he has not stated whether he has ever received professional help, Bruce cites venting and temporarily resolving his own insecurities with you as a reason to avoid receiving other help. Maybe he took advantage of the opportunity.
Bruce’s manipulation and your challenge are creating boundaries, so it’s best to back away slowly. Yes, keep yourself busy.
If he confronts or pushes you, congratulate him on building a healthier and happier life. Encourage him to continue.
You can also do some work on your own to learn new ways to create and maintain healthy boundaries.
Dear Amy: Before we had kids, my wife and I agreed that I would be a stay-at-home dad and she would continue to work.
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Fortunately, she has a fulfilling career and also earns enough money to fully support our household.
When I adopted my first child, I quit my job and stayed home. It went well.
Now we have two young children. My wife’s career has also been strengthened. She works hard and she feels that her career is fulfilling.
The question is, what happens when she gets home?
She is very good with the children, but basically says that all work related to the children and the house should be left to me.
The way I see it, her idea is that she should be working 40-50 hours a week on her career and I should be working 168 hours a week on everything else.
What is the right balance?
tired wives
Dear tired people: In my opinion, the most balanced arrangement is for your job to be 100 percent the upkeep of the hearth and the kids during the hours your wife works outside the home.
When your wife comes home, your workload there should drop to 50 percent, and her workload should increase to 50 percent.
