I am a qualified mental health professional and have lived with schizoaffective disorder bipolar disorder for over 10 years. Schizoaffective disorder is basically like the greatest hits of bipolar disorder and schizophrenia, and I think it’s a combination of mood disorder symptoms (such as depression and mania) and psychotic symptoms (such as hallucinations and delusions). experience both.
Mental illness is scary for both the person experiencing it and their loved ones. Here, I will explain how I have dealt with mental illness, separating my positive and negative symptoms.
My “positive” symptoms
Psychotic disorders are characterized by two different types of symptoms: positive and negative. However, these descriptions do not mean that my symptoms are good or bad. Positive symptoms “add to” or “distort” my experience of the world, causing hallucinations (seeing, hearing, smelling, tasting, or feeling things that aren’t actually there), delusions (things that aren’t true) belief), and disordered thinking.
my hallucination
Most of the time my hallucinations are visual. Voices are usually not heard (a very common type of hallucination). Most of the time you’ll see bugs. I can see them crawling on the floor and walls, and sometimes it feels like insects are crawling on my body.
Although that particular sensation is unsettling, seeing bugs doesn’t really bother me anymore. It’s become part of my daily experience (and this is the only symptom I’ve ever had that wasn’t affected by the medication. I can see the bugs) no matter what. too). This hallucination worsens when you are stressed.
I also experience what are called “passing hallucinations.” This is when I see movement in my peripheral vision, like a shadow passing me. Usually these shadows look like humans. I have also experienced very convincing hallucinations of people appearing next to me or in front of me.
One of the scariest examples of this was when I looked up and saw someone in a black hoodie standing in front of me, reaching out and trying to grab me. I fell to the floor to avoid his grasp, and when I got up he was nowhere to be seen.
I’ve also seen “people” standing or sitting next to me, or reaching through a door that’s ajar. Unlike bugs, these experiences cause anxiety. Over the last 10 years or so, I’ve gotten pretty good at figuring out when I’m hallucinating and when I’m not hallucinating, but it can be difficult sometimes. Especially when what you’re watching feels like a cheap jump scare. horror film.
I have found that it is important to be patient and understand yourself when you have hallucinations. It also helps to share what I’m seeing and feeling with loved ones who understand what I’m going through. They not only provide support when I’m feeling stressed or scared, they also help me with a reality check. If no one else can see that person or giant bug sitting across the room, it’s probably not real. This will help you calm down and face reality.
my delusion
I realized that my delusions were far more frightening than my hallucinations.
My paranoia ranges from being convinced that someone sitting across from me on the subway is plotting to kill me, to being convinced that something terrible will happen if I go outside, to being convinced that I’m not being stalked. There is a wide range of things that you can feel.
These delusions (called paranoia) convince a person that they are in danger. I also experienced body snatching delusions. For example, I was absolutely convinced that the therapist was not who she said she was and refused to talk to her until her delusions disappeared.
Sometimes my delusions are directly connected to hallucinations. A bug might try to attack me or eat me, or a face might appear on my bedroom wall, and I know it would hurt me. (These hallucinations are the most difficult to recognize as hallucinations because there are emotions and beliefs behind them.)
Usually my delusions don’t last long. This can take minutes, hours, or even days. I am aware that my experience is different from that of many other people, whose delusions can continue indefinitely (and can often only be stopped with medication). My experiences tend to be episodic.
I’ve learned that when I’m experiencing delusions, it helps to reach out to loved ones who understand what’s going on with me. Even if they couldn’t convince me that what I thought was happening wasn’t real (more on that later), they provided emotional support until I felt better. He will do it for you.
As a general rule, it is not recommended to try to convince a person experiencing delusions that what is happening is not real. Because while technically that’s true, the feelings and reactions to delusions are very real. Instead, acknowledge that they are going through something difficult and scary and let them know you are there for them.
my confused thoughts
When experiencing mental illness, I often find it difficult to think clearly. I often say that my brain feels like it’s stuffed with cotton. They are unable to make simple connections and find it very difficult to express themselves. This can be perceived as “word salad,” meaning speech that doesn’t make any sense.
When symptoms are present, executive function is also lost. “Executive function” refers to things like concentration, multitasking ability, and time management ability. When your thoughts are confused, you feel like you can’t concentrate.
Personally, this is one of the most frustrating aspects of having a mental illness. I have a full-time job that requires a lot of critical thinking, and it’s incredibly discouraging and even excruciating when my brain “stops working.” These episodes are often random and unpredictable (unless you forget to take your medication, in which case you can expect symptoms to appear the next day), which makes them even more insidious.
My “negative” symptoms
Negative symptoms “take away” things from my experience of the world. My psychosis is often accompanied by anhedonia, a loss of pleasure or interest in things I normally enjoy. It’s like a switch has been flipped in my brain and everything feels dark and dull and all I can do is sit wrapped up in a blanket and try to feel what is called ‘containment’. (When you have symptoms, you may feel like the world is too big. Being swaddled can help ease this feeling.)
I also tend to be a shut-in. I don’t want to talk to anyone because I find it very painful to talk. This is called “arogia”. And I want everyone to leave me alone. This is a sign of “unsociability.” When you talk or interact with someone while you have negative symptoms, your intonation and facial expressions become noticeably flattened, as if you don’t feel anything (even though you feel deep pain inside). figure) ). They also find it very difficult to be motivated (“amotivated”), especially if they are experiencing disordered thinking.
my physical symptoms
I often experience physical symptoms as well. When you have mental symptoms, you experience physical pain and discomfort. The chest may become very tight or spongy, with a black hole in the middle, and the hands and arms often hurt and feel burning. At times like this, we often find “containment” helpful. This will help you avoid feeling overwhelmed by the vastness of the world.
my problem
I was misdiagnosed with clinical depression in college and then again with bipolar II disorder in adolescence. I experienced his first psychiatric leave in February 2013, followed by two short psychiatric hospitalizations. It took 3 psychiatrists, 2 therapists, and about 30 different medications 9 years before I was correctly diagnosed and able to function the way I needed to.
When I went to graduate school for two years to get my master’s degree in social work, I was regularly experiencing psychotic episodes. In fact, I was (unlawfully) fired from my first internship for having a delusional psychotic episode in the office during my lunch break.
A psychiatrist I worked with for years (who misdiagnosed bipolar disorder) said to me at one point: “Imagine what you could do if you weren’t so sick.” I’ll never forget that.
and my success
Despite being “very sick,” I was accepted into New York University’s graduate social work program with a 4.0 GPA.
I completed two challenging internships working with people with severe mental illness. I felt that because I was suffering myself, I was able to connect with them seriously and honestly.
I designed and ran a mental health program that provided both individual and group support for people at high risk of psychiatric hospitalization.
Now, as a mental health care professional, I write and edit mental health content to provide readers with the resources they need.
Different aspects of mental illness
My story is as unique to me as anyone else’s. I do not claim to be a complete representation of the experience of mental illness. In fact, in my clinical work as a social worker, I have seen firsthand how diverse and kaleidoscopic the symptoms of mental illness are.
I worked with several people in both residential and day programs who communicated entirely through word salad.you can say They are They knew what they were saying but were often very frustrated when staff could not understand what they meant. Asking questions and showing genuine interest in what they were trying to convey showed that what they felt was important.
One woman in a residential program created a detailed, illegible chart containing patterns of letters, numbers, and days of the week. They have meaning to her and we have talked many times about what they mean and why it helps her make them. When I quit that girlfriend’s job, she gifted me her one of these charts. It’s posted on my bedroom wall.
Unfortunately, I have met many people who are undergoing treatment due to tragedy or extreme hardship. One day, a program participant heard a voice telling him to kill her mother, so he stabbed himself in the chest to stop the voice. One resident was unable to perform her ADLs (activities of daily living) due to her symptoms. We had a lot of conversations about showering, cleaning his room, and washing clothes, but these skills were too difficult for him and where he was at the time. . Another member of the residential program suffered from hallucinations and auditory hallucinations of a young boy mocking him.
However, as I said earlier, these experiences are not for everyone. People living with mental illness are able to build and maintain relationships, be incredibly creative, and succeed at work and other endeavors. I had a close friend in the program that day, and that relationship kept me coming back year after year. Through these programs, I have met prolific artists, poets, and musicians. And many people (myself included) have continually set and achieved personal goals.
final thoughts
I have spent over 10 years accepting and managing my mental illness. I received help from professionals, family, and friends. I’ve gone to work on days when I couldn’t think straight. I have traveled on days when I felt like I would die if I went outside.
Living with mental illness is full of different challenges and experiences, and no two people look the same. However, I hope that reading about my personal challenges and experiences sheds some light on what a diagnosis of a psychotic disorder might look like. average.
