If you just watched Deb Mueller talk about her memoir, you wouldn’t know that she delved into some of her family’s darkest moments. This memoir chronicles her journey loving and raising her daughter, Mia Muller, through her mental health struggles and Mia’s struggles.
Muller, who read the book at an author event at the Cedarburg Library on February 8, spoke brutally honestly about the isolation, confusion, exhaustion and occasional violence she and her family faced. All were shared with Mia’s consent. However, Mr. Muller was calm, generous, and collected.
Deb Mueller has been leading a conversation with Mia as part of her book tour since publishing her memoir, “Love Hard,” last fall, as she deals with mental health issues and raising children. It also serves as a quest to help parents of children.
Moller initially started writing the book to help other parents, but since the book’s release on October 18, she has realized that changing the harmful narrative around mental health requires a public platform. I realized how necessary the discourse, education, and advocacy is.
“It was difficult for her (Mia) to write about abuse and throwing rocks and violence and attacks at her brother,” Moller told the audience. “It was hard to remember the innocence of the other two children, when she would be so furious, they just wanted her to be their sister.”
One member of the audience said, “It’s okay. I grew up throwing stones, too.”
Throughout his talk, Mr. Moller reminded the audience that mental health issues can hurt loved ones, even in the midst of all the turmoil in a family’s most difficult moments, but love, joy, and , reminded us that hope is not mutually exclusive, nor is it a sunk cost.
Mueller’s book tour begins by taking her around Milwaukee’s North Shore. Although she lives in Mequon, she is originally from Wauwatosa. Future library lectures will be announced on Mueller’s website. “Love Hard,” published by Manuscripts Press LLC, is Muller’s first book and is available for purchase on Amazon.
Mueller honestly depicts the ups and downs that many families experience.
During the event, Moller spoke candidly about the tension and turmoil his entire family experienced, and how they fought through it together.
In the midst of it all, Moller said she was embarrassed and afraid to speak openly about what her family was going through.
“Unless you’re there, you really don’t understand,” she said. “I didn’t think I could ask for help. I believed no one would understand. I would be judged and criticized, and Mia would be exposed and labeled.”
Moller said she and her husband, Gary, are now a “united force,” but they have to decide how early to start treatment, whether to try medication, what is appropriate discipline, and how to talk to Mia. , said they disagreed about the best way to help Mia. It puts a strain on their marriage.
“Small vacations and dinner dates may have saved us, but it wasn’t a real everyday world,” she said, reading an excerpt from her memoir.
She said she feels unseen and angry that extensive responsibilities for mental health, school and home have fallen on her shoulders. When Gary returns home after his long days at work, he is nervous, conflicted, and frustrated.
“By the time 7 o’clock rolled around, neither he nor I had much patience left. It was the perfect atmosphere for hot tempers and confrontations.”
Treatment first, then medication
After Mueller noticed that Mia, once a confident and sociable child, was starting to experience separation anxiety, the couple agreed to send Mia to therapy when she was in first grade. She regularly called Muller from her school with stomach pains, and she refused to go on her school trips unless Muller chaperoned her. She panics or leaves for soccer practice.
“Her anxiety started interfering with her daily life and it became clear that she needed more than I could give. I wanted to help her struggle alone and miss out on life. I didn’t want it,” Mueller said.
Deb and Gary searched for medication for Mia, a third-grader, when she began to lash out, lose control of her emotions, and become occasionally violent. “I knew I had to protect her siblings and her girlfriend from her unintentional actions that would have long-term consequences.”
As a result of the instability in the home, the couple’s other two children are facing trust issues. His memoir allowed the sisters to see with more empathetic eyes, Moller said.
Mia said that as an adult, she never really understood why she acted the way she did.
“They know how to poke her and she’ll go from zero to 100,” Muller said.
Although distance and boundaries still exist between the siblings, Mia said she is still able to communicate with them. She hopes this book will make her parents, as well as her siblings, feel seen and represented. “This book won’t solve everything, but it can start a healthy conversation within your family,” Mia says.
Muller realized that she too had issues to recognize and confront.
Muller sought therapy to combat her obsessive-compulsive disorder after arguing with her husband and realizing that she was pushing him away for fear of trusting or accepting him.
“It was tough and scary, but at the same time, someone finally spoke to me,” she said. “In a way, it freed me from struggling alone. Not only did I know I needed help, I desperately wanted it.”
After this discussion changed her life, she said, she reached out to Mueller, a therapist. “I was finally allowed and expected to say all the things I had kept hidden for so long, all the habits and struggles that made me feel confused, ugly, and hurt.”
“It’s okay to talk about things that aren’t okay.”
Moller said the script completely flipped when Mia began taking charge of her own health and choosing to return to therapy during her senior year of high school.
As Mia grew, so did her awareness, confidence, and support system. And so was Mueller. Mueller started talking more openly with her friends and was surprised at how many other parents could relate.
Initially, when Mueller told Mia about her idea to write a memoir depicting some of the most difficult times in the lives of her daughter and her family, Mia was skeptical, but ultimately accepted the idea. I became positive.
Now 24 years old, Mia studies interior architecture and design at Concordia University in Wisconsin and works for a home staging company in Mequon.
She said she was worried about the people in her life now seeing her vulnerable and struggling.
But at a time when mental health issues among teens are on the rise, Mia believes these images of herself may help other children suffering from anxiety or OCD feel less alone. I realized that.
According to the National Mental Health Alliance, an education and advocacy nonprofit, one in six U.S. youth between the ages of 6 and 17 experiences a mental health disorder each year, but treatment does not begin from the onset of symptoms. The average delay is 11 years. Suicide is the second leading cause of death for people ages 10 to 14.
“I look back on how grateful I am that my daughter voiced her thoughts and feelings.Though those times were difficult and confusing, conversations, therapy, and medication helped her. It was a gift because it allowed us to intervene,” Mueller said.
This is a gift because Mueller has friends who are not so lucky and have lost children to suicide without even knowing there was a problem.
“Our children have unique deep emotions, so they need to understand that it’s okay to not be okay, and that it’s okay to talk about things that aren’t okay,” she says. Told.
For Mia, maintaining treatment, medication, and coping skills is still a journey every day. But she said she has grown into a better place, stronger and more mature and confident. Mueller also assured Mia that she had the final say on what went into the book and had the right to withdraw it at any time.
Without Mia’s permission and contribution, the book would not have been published, Muller told the audience.
“She has allowed herself to be exposed and vulnerable in hopes of helping other children like her,” Mueller said.
Mia read all the drafts of her mother’s book. She said that for both her and Mr. Mueller, many memories, especially violent ones, are painful to look back on but need to be included.
Because Müller was also able to share successes in how her family worked together and communicated better.
Mueller said the most gratifying part of the highly emotional writing process was Mia’s success – the coping skills, friendships and career she has developed over the years, and her commitment to not only Concordia but also Jackson’s Living Word Lutheran. He said it was something he was able to tell readers about his high school graduates. .
“I’m so proud of who she is and what she accomplished in the fight against this big monster.”
Please contact Claudia Levens at clevens@gannett.com. Follow her on X @levensc13.
