‘H“He’s treated like a hero when he runs a marathon,” Julia says, “but once, as we were watching him cross the line, my aunt leaned over and said, ‘You deserve a medal for everything you do behind the scenes to make it possible for him to train so well.'”
Most of us have friends, colleagues or family members who train for some kind of fitness challenge, from a 5k to an Ironman race. Taking part in the occasional parkrun is no longer worthy of praise; the bar is set around “triathlon”. But what about the widows and widowers in lycra who raise their children alone, repair bikes, sleep in their cars as crew and feverishly cook chickens in the air fryer five times a day to support their families? A partner who loves sports? When will I get some “me time” after missing bedtime for 11 days in a row because my partner went off to a six-hour workout?
Julia’s husband, Chris (not his real name), has run six marathons since starting when their children were 2 and 5. “He works all day and runs five to six hours every week, plus on the weekends when I need help,” Julia says. “For the four months that he’s training, I’m essentially a single mom.”
It’s not just that he has less time to train. “He once did something crazy – ran 100 miles through the night,” Julia says. “It was supposed to be with a relay team, but he wanted to do it all by himself. He collapsed at the finish line and was in bed for two days. His friends would say, ‘You’re a legend’. Meanwhile I was driving him to and from school and having to bring him dinner in bed because he couldn’t walk down the stairs for days. Plus, he doesn’t drink from New Year’s Day until the London Marathon in April, so it’s really boring.”
Sarah Saunders can empathize. She remembers her husband Phil’s first Land’s End to John O’Groats challenge in 2011 (biking 874 miles over 10-14 days) as a relaxing two weeks spent alone at home. But when he did it a second time in 2021, they had two kids and were camping out at her parents’ house because of major building works on their home. “It was a really tough two weeks,” Sarah says.
With training in full swing as the challenge draws near, it can be tough: “He says, ‘I might not be able to get my kids to school or to bed in time,’ and it can feel like being a single mom for a while.”
“But I’m proud of what he’s doing – he’s also raising money for cancer charities because he lost both his parents to cancer, so there’s another cause behind it.” Phil is currently training for his first triathlon, marathon and Dragon Ride (a cycling marathon in Wales).
“He’s always aware of how it affects his family life,” Sarah says. “I always say it’s OK, but there comes a point when it becomes unbearable, and part of me wants to blame him because he’s not there.”
But it’s had a positive impact on family life: Their children, now aged nine and four, are both interested in cycling and running. And running is key to Phil’s health: “If he’s not out running or cycling he starts to get a bit moody,” says Sarah.
Louise Woolcroft often feels like her husband Colin’s rigorous training dominates their lives. “The hardest time was when he was doing the Ironman in 2017,” she says. “He was trying to lose a bit of weight and probably had a lack of energy and was hungry and irritable for nine months.”
It also sometimes stops Louise from planning her own fitness challenges – last year she did a 60-mile cycle by herself – but getting both parents to train has been an issue. “I felt like I didn’t give the kids enough time,” she admits. “So now I’m hesitant to take part in anything. Colin says he’ll support me but I don’t see the space for me to get involved, whereas he just does it.”
A recent survey by sportswear brand Asics found that more than half of British women have stopped exercising or given up altogether, with 80% feeling that lack of time is an obstacle – while only 34% of men think time pressure is a challenge for women.
10Ironwomen is a community founded to fight gender inequality in sport. In 2018, 10 female friends decided to take on Ironman Barcelona. Now, a movement of thousands has grown. It was around this time that original member Sarah Curtis met her now-husband, Kit Ingham.
Kit admits that as training gets more intense and you’re on the bike all day, it can be tough. If the couple goes on weekend getaways, they have to take their bikes along. Their wedding in Spain coincided with peak training times, so a lot of planning was needed to make sure they could keep going uninterrupted.
“The build-up to an event can feel all-consuming,” Kit says. “But when it climaxes, it’s amazing.” He explains that it was so emotional watching Sarah cross the finish line of her first Ironman. “I realized how much work had gone into it. I cried along with her.”
Kit sees her role as being supportive, from understanding and acknowledging her feelings and fears to fixing her bike. “Being there with her to support this cause has really helped me. I’m naturally happy to be in a supportive role, which may not be as easy if you’re more competitive.”
Now the couple are adapting to new changes. Their first child was born six months ago, and Kit is helping Sarah get back into sport. “I use a turbo trainer. [a static exercise bike] “I definitely don’t want to go back into the living room,” he jokes.
Sarah is now thinking about running a marathon, and although training has become more complicated since the birth of her daughter, she believes it’s more important than ever to continue to make time for herself. “I might feel guilty, but I’m going to try to overcome that by telling myself that it’s really important that my daughter gets me outside and that it’s not just daddy who goes out and does things.”
Sabrina Pace-Humphries is an ultramarathon fanatic. As well as competing in races like the infamous Marathon des Sables in the Sahara Desert, she founded the charity Black Trail Runners to promote inclusivity in the sport. Her husband, Neil, says it’s easier now that their two youngest children are teenagers. Sabrina often leaves the house at 4am to do her gruelling runs, returning home around 10am, when the kids are still awake.
How much of an impact has Sabrina’s work and training had on their lives? “A lot,” Neil says modestly. “Before Christmas I crewed for her in the Winter Downs 200. [a 200-mile continuous race]… I slept in my car for four nights.”
The logistics take time, he says: “Spreadsheets and testing kits and all the other stuff people don’t necessarily realize.” And then there’s the emotional fallout afterwards, which he says is similar to Christmas Day. And then, after it’s all over, she says: “What are you going to plan now?”
But for Neil, all that awaits Sabrina at the finish line is pride. “I was there to support what she was doing,” he says.
I wish there was a medal for that.
